Smuttynose Summer Weizen Ale

This beer serves as a belated appreciation of summer, since I picked it up in the first days of the Fall season. For some reason it reminded me of my childhood, when summer used to be worth a shit. The closing of the school year meant the opening of the Weehawken public pool, the holiest body of water since the Ganges. We would all meet up down the block, with our beach towels wrapped around our handlebars and ride our bikes down into Weehawken, which we considered enemy territory, since they looked down on us Union City dirtbags as if we were Mexicans crossing the Rio Grande into Texas.

Along the way, we would stop at a crab apple tree that adorned the front yard of an apartment complex and climb it's branches to stock up on some ammunition to throw at cars later on during the day. Once this waspy jogger came up to our little crew and warned us that crab apples would give us cramps. What he got was a headache as I hurled an apple at his head as he jogged back along his route. He was probably listening to Phil Collins on his walkman. I don't remember who got the blame for that one, since I was the first and only one to haul ass quickly after that.

One kid in our group, Oscar, had the habit of sticking his penis into the bubble holes at the side of the pool. As much as he tried to play it cool, the lifeguards knew of his raping of their beloved watering hole, and would often taunt and call him out loudly on his foul, unsanitary fetish before pulling him out for the remainder of the afternoon. He would go home defeated, only to come back the next day with a hard-on for chlorine. The lifeguards never banned him from the pool, I guess they got a kick out of humiliating him, and would even allow him a few intimate moments with the pool's filtration system before taking action. We would usually be out of the pool by then, drying ourselves and counting how many quarters we had for the Double Dragon machine at the pizzeria down the block.

The old lech adorning this beer label would have taken a liking to Oscar. Just looking at her face makes me feel molested. Pure prehistoric lust curving those Metamucil-sucking lips into a coy grin. Underneath the picture the caption: "C'mon in, the water is great!" would have taken a whole new meaning. But I bet Oscar would have come in alright. If he could stick his dick into a pool filter, he could stick it into anything, no matter how cold, hard, or lethal it may be. He was a real trooper.

Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA.

There's always this chick who everybody that knows her talks shit about her, especially guys. Someday randomly you get to meet her, you talk to her, kick it for a while and realize that this chick is totally different than what you expected, a rude strong bitch who doesn't give a flying fuck. In fact this is the type of chick you always wanted, you like her so much that it gets to a point that you feel like a stalker, everything reminds you of her, all you think about is her, fuck! to put it this way you have pictures of her ,that she doesn't even know about, taped to your ceiling mirror where you look at yourself jerking off fantasizing about her being there with you.


Times passes by, you get to know her a little more deeply. You think that you are in love, you get her to move with you, everything is fine...for a while. As time passes by you realize that you are stuck, you want to get out, you are going insane and you don't know what to do, but before you go crazy you realize something...she's gone. You wonder what happened to her, you feel stupid "what did i do wrong? where is she? why did she had to leave?" but at the same time you feel happy that she's gone cause if not you would've dedicated your whole life just to her. Quit your job, write a love novel with her, have kids, that how sweet she was. A little later in your life you realize why all this guys hated her so much, It's because she fucked with their mind so bad that they are fucked up forever, you are even fucked up but you can't do shit about it cause she was already in you, not even in big doses, just a little time and your mind is fucked, just imagine how your life would be if you had her forever? FUCK THAT, but hell I do miss her. This is how this I.P.A. from one of my top three brewery's , Dogfigh Head, fucked me up.

It has 22% (for those faggots who don't know math, 22% would be 4 Budweiser's and a half) but it's so different, nothing you would expect. It has an hoppy taste, really sweet, no bad after taste and a delicious treat for those who like to get drunk fast. It's definitely not a cheap beer ,I bought it at a Hammerheads, $12 a pop, but totally worth it. It's a seasonal so like that fucking bitch woman, it comes and goes. If you can still find it (which I'm pretty sure you can) give it a try.


my score for this beer: 9.7/10

Orange Blossom Pilsner 2(squared)

If you live in Orlando, FL you know where O.B.T is. Muggers, rapists, bums, fucking traffic 24/7, my shitty job that I have to go to super early, and the best part of all O.B.T....prostitutes. There's nothing better than driving down Orange blossom trail around 4:30 a.m. and seeing a prostitute like if she was fucking flying, running with high heels on, super mini skirt, they are running so fast that fucking Usain Bolt couldn't catch them even if he tried.


But something even better than seeing them run out of nowhere, is eventually see them fall, seriously makes my day better. Just imagine this, I'm pissed in the morning having to wake up at 3 am to go to a shitty job at 5 am because I dropped out and now I don't have a career yet, look to my left side and right there a fucking bitch running and the police behind her, all I could think of was "please fall, please fall" and boom! happened smashed her face against the concrete, made my whole day, bet she hates heels now.


I must accept that some of them aren't bad looking, in fact if I didn't had a girlfriend and I wanted to have a hilarious, crazy, expensive sex night I would go to O.B.T. I recommend O.B.T. for great times, as much as I give props to Hammerheads Bar( 8526 Palm Pkwy, Orlando FL 32836, and no they didn't pay me for this but good dudes always get props) for having a bunch of crazy, but amazingly good beers(110 kinds and counting) and for letting me taste this 11% pilsner straight up from Orlando, FL( even though it's brewed in North Carolina i think which is a bummer).

Great prostitutes, great honey pilsner with shit tons of alcohol, O.B.P 2 is a great beer so go and grab one, or two, probably a six pack.

Cheers faggots.

Belzebuth extra strong beer.

Sometimes I wake up and I feel like I've lost my manliness, what I usually do is go to Home Depot, follow a construction worker and buy whatever the fuck he is buying, but this time was different. Even thought this beer comes from France, and probably faggity faggots drink it, I will have to say that this is different, this shit will turn Boy George into a masculine man. Fucking A, this beer could turn anything into a supre(yes more than super) male, uber male is the word.

I don't even know if uber is a real word, but what i know is that it fits. It sucks when you have to make up words to describe something, but if Shakespeare could, Why can't I? Why couldn't you? FUCK, Why do we even need to separate languages? Lets call every single language spoken in the United States of America, English, In fact everything is from the U.S.A. this fucking amazing manly slash faggoty beer is not from France, fuck France doesn't even exist, it comes from the U.S.A, as American as a bald eagle, freedom fries, pizza and all the good stuff that America gave us. Fuck Italians, they didn't invented pizza, A red blooded American did, so fuck you. If you don't think that this beer is American, you are an ignorant and should open your fucking eyes, Belzebuth is great, as great and manly as a big healthy American male in a steakhouse ordering the biggest steak in the house.

Purple Haze Raspberry Wheat Ale.

As I struggle to walk to the nearest bathroom in my friends house I find myself with a weird cold beer in my hand. Since i grabbed it, I felt something weird going through my body, when I finally got to the bathroom I didn't stand up to pee, i actually sat on the toilet, I stood up grab a piece of T.P. and wiped myself, SHIT! I have a vagina, this is serious.

While I freak out around the house, I open the beer bottle and consume the insides, as I proceed to do so I started growing tits, I had no beard and I started to find men attractive, somehow this beer made me feel like a chick(nothing against them, because, of course, I love them). I keep walking around the house, guys start flirting with me, chicks start talking shit about guys and their small dicks, I feel weirder by the moment and my ovaries started to hurt(which made me feel a little more compasionate towards ladies and their periods). I need to know who gave me this beer, I need to know who is the one I should kill.

Otter Creek Copper Ale

Today I woke up with a pube stuck on my face. Doesn't that suck? I have no fucking idea how it got there. As far as I know, I'm the only alphamale in my apartment's ecosystem, so I know that the pube is mine, which offers some degree of relief.

The pube was discovered after waking up and walking over to the bathroom mirror. There it was, amongst the morning dew and fields of stubble that adorned my face, curled like a scorpion poised to strike. It hung there on my cheek, the evil, S-shaped black serpent in the Garden of Eden.

It would totally suck to find a pube in this beer. Like having a friend come forward saying he's gay and admitting he has a crush on me, my relationship with this beer would be totally awkward and strained. And thinking of who the pube was previously attached to would make me seek rape counseling.

-Al

Sam Adams White Ale.

Sam Adams White Ale:



Everything started with a poker game, I was in a hurry to get there and went to Publix Supermarket cause i know they have a good extended variety of beer for cheap. Of course i was looking for Sam Adams Boston Lager, then i see that this specific Publix has a shit lot of beer, so I went crazy, they had Warsteiner which i thought of Al and started rocking my air guitar to the rhythm of Viking Metal, sodomizing women, killing children and acting like a barbarian. Right next to that one i saw Yuengling Dark & Tan, and I'm a fan of Lagers, specially Yuengling and from what i heard the dark and tan is really good, like cumming on some random chicks face and making her gag on your shit. But it wasn't what i was looking for. Finally i look to the corner and i saw Sam Adams Boston Lager, but right next to it i see Sam Adams Light, and i thought "oh nice, they have the light" to my surprise they had the Cherry Wheat still, and the Winter Lager(which is surprising because Sam Adams Brewing Co. won't let you sell beer that's out of it's season) so i opened the door to grab myself a 6 pack of the Winter and a 6 of the Boston lager, for my surprise they had a six pack of the Brown Ale and i got happy, this Brown Ale makes those English assholes think about it twice, an New Castle can't even compare to how good Sam Adams Brown Ale is, so of course i changed my mind and got the brown ale, as i was stretching my hairy arm touching that cold 6 pack of Brown Ale, i see the White Ale, which I've never tasted in my drinking years, so i changed my mind again left the Boston Lager and took home the Brown and White(like my favorite chicks). Got to the game, started playing, popped the first Sam Adams White Ale, and let me tell you that his beer would make those waffle/fried potatoes lovers(Belgians) really, REALLY proud. It's a kind of thick beer, which is good, and you can really taste the unfiltered wheat(in a good way) blended with Vanilla and Tamarind(which is delicious), this Sam Adam brew is brewed with 10 different spices, the good part about it is that you don't really taste 10 spices( other than the Michelob White Ale, which is pretty good but you can taste a least 1,000 spices in that one) because you don't really want a beer that has 1,000,000 different taste and you can't differ one from another, so i have to give it up to Sam Adams for, yet, another perfect beer. After drinking the first six pack i realized I've lost all my chips and it was time to sit back and enjoy the other six pack of Sam Adams Brown Ale.

Luigi.